5 Unsolicited Truths for New Parents

 

Over the past week, two different lucky couples that we know joined the ranks of The Walking Dead.  Not the zombie horde, but the fraternity of new parents.  Their circumstances couldn’t be more different, but besides both having daughters, another thing they have in common, what all new parents have in common, is that they have no idea what they are in for.

Luckily for them they have something else in common.  A dad blogger friend willing to share his own experiences and fails. Someone with more helpful advice than “sleep when they sleep.” ( Seriously though, you should totally do that.)  I won’t tell you about how fast it all goes, because it’s impossible to comprehend until it starts happening, and even then it’s hard to believe.  Instead I’ll pass along these tidbits, unsolicited as they may be. The real things that you might as well find out now.

 

Bowel movements have just become the axis that your new life revolves around.  It will be approximately twelve months before you have another conversation with each other that doesn’t at some point contain references to the color, consistency, or frequency of poop.  The next private, relaxing dump you take in your home will be the first day of preschool.  Never go cheap when buying diapers and never think that you are leaving the house with enough baby wipes. There is no early warning system when it comes to upcoming poonamis.

Listen to your parental spidey sense.  If something seems off with your kid, get it checked out, no matter how silly you feel.  If it seems like it’s too quiet and peaceful in the next room, run.  Your child will roll, crawl, or climb towards whatever you don’t want them to the second your attention is diverted.  They have their own sixth sense about such things.

 

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They are far less fragile than they appear and commonsense is usually enough to keep them uninjured.  It’s actually not necessary to drive 35 mph on the highway en route to their first appointments, fit them with crash helmets, or staple bubble wrap to the walls, though I would suggest being aware of low lying exit signs while carrying them around on your shoulders.  Sometimes it is OK to take a picture before intervening in situations that may end poorly.

 

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You’re about to turn into a total wuss. I’ve seen varying statistics about how far a man’s testosterone levels drop once they have daughters, but it’s possible that they are all conservatively low. Chances are pretty good that you cried the first time that you held her, the first time that she looked into your eyes.  Get over any embarrassment you may have felt because those waterworks are going to be your new normal.  I spent approximately thirty minutes writing this post, another twenty typing and editing, and about an hour looking at old baby pictures.

 

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It’s not easy, but you’ll figure it out.  Nothing that you read or hear applies to every child. There is enough stress in parenting without letting outside thoughts and opinions add to it.  Unless they have their own dad blog.  I’d listen to that guy.
J

59 thoughts on “5 Unsolicited Truths for New Parents”

  1. ‘Parental spidey sense’ – that’s about right. And they won’t break, either. Survival is key. Second one is now 6mo (the worst bit by FAR in my book) and we’re all still alive. I agree you should tell new parents the truth, though. All a bit of a shock to begin with if someone doesn’t … #MMWBH

    1. 6 months seems so far in the past now, I can barely remember it. She really hated how hard it was to get back onto her back after flipping over…but still wouldn’t stop doing it

  2. So fab abd so true – becoming a parent 5 months ago has totally blown my world and at times my mind. Literally had no idea just how hard/amazing/stressful/brilliant this would be. Here’s to fab dad bloggers, they talk good sense 🙂 #TheList

  3. I love to read these posts about what you think life will be like before and after. And it’s so true, no one has any idea what they’re in for. It’s kinda nice to watch from the sidelines as they turn from the naive to the knowing. 🙂

  4. Tell them like it is I love it. You couldn’t have wrote it more perfectly. I had one of these moments and I have been doing this parenting thing for five years and two children later I still am making rookie mistake like the quiet upstairs all the sudden even though I just checked on them… to find two toddlers and daddy’s hair wax painted all over the bathroom sink, toilet, wall and both of them and throw socks in the hair to float down and stick to them. Worse quiet moment ever. Always RUN! Lol Thanks for sharing your witty (honest to true) parenting guidance on this week’s #ShareWithMe

    1. Mine likes to have “pool parties” with her dolls. In the sink it’s fine, we run into problems when she decides to fill things like shoeboxes with water to play in

  5. Aww the baby pic at the bottom is like a little clone of you! Lovely post. I am so used to poo discussions being a dietitian but my hubby is a wuss now he has our daughter. Will do anything for her xx #binkylinky

  6. I love this one!
    I love how your character and voice shine through this pice. This had me laughing, because it’s all so very true. My son just turned a year old, and we’re still talking about poo! haha
    “It’s not easy, but you’ll figure it out”
    Best advice. Because as much as you think you can’t do this-we’re all doing this! #binkylinky

  7. Yup, yup and yup! All totally true! I never did get the whole sleeping when they sleep thing as there’s always something that needs to be done! Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky

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  9. You’re right. There’s not enough wet wipes in the world for poonamis! Our youngest has strated weaning and the contents of her nappy are endlessly fascinating to her siblings. They even seem disappointed when it’s just wee!

    #PickNMix

  10. Ha it doesn’t matter how many babies and children you have been around in your lifetime, your first is always eye opening 😉 I actually miss the baby days now though.

    Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix

    Stevie

  11. This is brilliant. So funny and accurate. We really do talk about poo a lot… Also I really cannot cope with how quickly time is going! I think the most annoying thing about having a baby is everyone, including strangers, asking if they’re good. A friend of mine replies ‘Well he did rob a bank last week…’ Which I think is the best response ever! #FamilyFun

    1. I really got tired of people asking how much sleep we were getting. I think the huge bags under my eyes should have been answer enough

  12. Love this , really telling it like it is and that’s exactly what new parents need. Haha, the costant poo chat doesn’t even phase me anymore. Definitely agree with the spider sense thing too x #familyfun

  13. This is great. I love reading the dad blogs because I always find its so very interesting, as a mother and mum blogger, to hear the other side. To hear how dads experience everything. I loved reading this!

  14. Oh we talk about the “Mega” Poop all the time! I love the term spidey sense for something wrong! My man had a man cry when he was born! It was cute. I’m sat here reading this listening to the baby monitor, I heard the babies room door open and the floor board creaks, yes that was my other half having a last sneaky peak at his son!

  15. Great post Jeremy! I think you sum up the ways in which new parenthood affects most people very well here – particularly the notion of using your common sense and not being tempted to go down the ‘cotton wool parenting’ road. Well said! Thanks for linking up to this week’s #thetruthabout

  16. Love this! You have a writing style that really appeals to me. I really enjoyed reading it…Ah, I remember dreaming about having a quiet ‘dump.’ They are 9 and 13 now and even when I lock the bathroom door they see it as a challenge rather than a ‘KEEP OUT’ and twist the lock from the outside!!!

    Glad I stumbled across this. I’ll be back…

    #thetruthabout

  17. Love all your tips! I heartily second the one about pausing to take a picture before a disastrous mess is about to be made. It will give you something to laugh at in years and your kids will love to see the evidence when they’re older.
    #thetruthabout

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