It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room. The dark side of Easter. I’m not referring to the ages old controversy about the date, the fact that the eggs are supposed to be hollow to symbolize Jesus’s empty tomb, or even the crass commercialization of one of the most important dates on the Christian calendar.
I’m talking about The Easter Bunny. The other fictional gift giver that originated as a judge of children’s behavior before being assimilated by ancient Christians who believed hares to be hermaphrodites and associated virgin bunny births with The Virgin Mary. How anybody that spent any time around rabbits would come to the conclusion that they are asexual has unfortunately been lost to history.
I’m talking about the modern, terrifying Eater Bunny.
He didn’t have to be. He could have stayed an imaginary figure like The Tooth Fairy. To a child, The Tooth Fairy is a benevolent little creature, a few inches tall, that looks like Tinkerbell and leaves money under your pillow. Other than the idea that a mythical creature is sneaking around your room while you sleep, there really isn’t anything scary there. If we had been content to keep The Easter Bunny an imaginary little fellow, perhaps three to four feet tall in a distinguished little suit and top hat, everything would be fine.
But we can’t leave well enough alone. We need to maximize both the memories we’re making and the money that can be exploited by this, so we drag our children to the mall and force them to sit with a six foot tall monstrosity that we call The Easter Bunny.
There is simply no way to make a people sized bunny cute. This isn’t a red suit and stick-on beard that we can throw on any moderately overweight man and turn him into a jolly character. Mall Easter Bunnies are nightmare inducing monsters.
It looks like we’ll be skipping the picture this year, not because she’s afraid any more, but because she’s already past falling for the charade. She still believes there is a magic bunny that will be bringing her a basket of goodies on Sunday, and has done some preliminary work on her Christmas list, but she’s not falling for the suits. They are obviously just “helpers.”
It’s not the only interesting theory that she’s put forward recently. This morning Alaina informed me that Easter eggs originate from giant chocolate chickens that The Easter Bunny keeps locked up in cages on a farm. She’s able to pardon this injustice by rationalizing that “kids need them.”
Not only is The Easter Bunny creepy looking, he’s apparently involved in inter-species trafficking and oversees forced labor camps. No wonder he gives off such a bad vibe.