The Easter Monster

It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room. The dark side of Easter.  I’m not referring to the ages old controversy about the date, the fact that the eggs are supposed to be hollow to symbolize Jesus’s empty tomb, or even the crass commercialization of one of the most important dates on the Christian calendar.

I’m talking about The Easter Bunny.  The other fictional gift giver that originated as a judge of children’s behavior before being assimilated by ancient Christians who believed hares to be hermaphrodites and associated virgin bunny births with The Virgin Mary. How anybody that spent any time around rabbits would come to the conclusion that they are asexual has unfortunately been lost to history.

I’m talking about the modern, terrifying Eater Bunny.

He didn’t have to be.  He could have stayed an imaginary figure like The Tooth Fairy. To a child, The Tooth Fairy is a benevolent little creature, a few inches tall, that looks like Tinkerbell and leaves money under your pillow.  Other than the idea that a mythical creature is sneaking around your room while you sleep, there really isn’t anything scary there.  If we had been content to keep The Easter Bunny an imaginary little fellow, perhaps three to four feet tall in a distinguished little suit and top hat, everything would be fine.

But we can’t leave well enough alone.  We need to maximize both the memories we’re making and the money that can be exploited by this, so we drag our children to the mall and force them to sit with a six foot tall monstrosity that we call The Easter Bunny.

There is simply no way to make a people sized bunny cute.  This isn’t a red suit and stick-on beard that we can throw on any moderately overweight man and turn him into a jolly character.  Mall Easter Bunnies are nightmare inducing monsters.

 

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It looks like we’ll be skipping the picture this year, not because she’s afraid any more, but because she’s already past falling for the charade.  She still believes there is a magic bunny that will be bringing her a basket of goodies on Sunday, and has done some preliminary work on her Christmas list, but she’s not falling for the suits.  They are obviously just “helpers.”

It’s not the only interesting theory that she’s put forward recently. This morning Alaina informed me that Easter eggs originate from giant chocolate chickens that The Easter Bunny keeps locked up in cages on a farm.  She’s able to pardon this injustice by rationalizing that “kids need them.”

Not only is The Easter Bunny creepy looking, he’s apparently involved in inter-species trafficking and oversees forced labor camps. No wonder he gives off such a bad vibe.

 

 

 

37 thoughts on “The Easter Monster”

  1. Haha – I don’t think this happens over here! I mean, not that you don’t see people dressed as the Easter bunny, but I have never known taking pictures of kids with one like with Santa to be a thing. You’re right, that is a bit weird!

  2. Cheers to that!! My point exactly! Judging by the (cardboard) footprints that he leaves this rabbit is apparently bigger than me. I don’t fancy bumping into him, let alone my toddlers? Great Easter facts in here – I am so ignorant to the history behind the tradition *slaps own wrist*. Happy Easter! #bewareofthebunny #justanotherlinky 🐇 :0)

  3. Haha I love that she thinks the Easter bunny keeps chocolate chickens locked up in a cage on a farm. That Easter bunny gets more and more scary!

  4. Oh my goodness, thank you so much for putting it into words! My Facebook is swarmed with photos of infants and toddlers, eyes the size of quarters, sitting with a giant bunny. You hit the nail on the head-it’s absolutely terrifying! Haha.

  5. Hee hee we see the odd ‘Easter Bunny’ here and there in the UK e.g at a special Easter event but taking kids to visit him isn’t a thing (yet!) in the same way as the U.S. I’ve seen some hilarious photos online of terrified child/bunny photos 🙂 #justanotherlinky

  6. Haha I just linked up my own post about the easter bunny! My kids are TERRIFIED of him, a fact which I inadvertently made even worse!! The whole idea is so creepy, we have decided there will be no more mention of the easter bunny, its easier that way!!! #justanotherlinky

  7. I had no idea that this was a thing!

    Films like The Purge and You’re Next featuring animal masked criminals have put me right off the Easter Bunny or kids wearing animal masks for dress up!

    #justanotherlinky

  8. I love the idea of the Giant chocolate chickens!! Why did I never think of that? We talk about the Easter bunny but it’s not been as popular as remembered as Santa. I reckon as long there is chocolate my daughter doesn’t care!! xx #justanotherlinky

  9. The only time I’ve seen Easter Bunny related photo opportunities is when we were over in the US. It’s not a thing here. Give it time and it might become one. (We did get a picture when we were over and the Tubblet was small enough. It was actually quite a good bunny costume, but the Tubblet did look rather confused by the whole thing). Happy Easter!

    1. It seems to be an American thing for now. Its pretty much a tradition over here if you have kids and feel like torturing them for a yearly photo

  10. We saw the scariest Easter bunny the other day, just really weird looking! Children have funny theories don’t they, my 4 year old comes up with such random things. Thanks for linking up to #justanotherlinky xx

  11. I love your daughters theory about the giant chickens laying chocolate eggs!! She is right though, kids need them!

    You know, my french friends told me that they don’t have an Easter bunny. There is an Easter bell. After it rings chocolates appear. I was going to say that sounded strange until I though about how weird it is to have a giant bunny delivering eggs!

  12. In their effort to keep me safe, my parents taught me never to trust any adult dressed up – even if he looks like something fun like a clown, or Santa or the Easter Bunny. As a result, malls were terrifying around certain holidays. And Chuck ‘E’ Cheese? Holy hell. That place was my worst nightmare. Still is, but for different reasons, lol.

    1. Somehow, we have still managed to avoid Chuck E Cheese. She’s seen the commercials, I just tell her it’s not near us

  13. I’m pretty sure there’s a picture or two of me with the Easter Bunny way back when I was little, but we definitely don’t do it with our daughter. We don’t even do the Easter Bunny with her –
    not because of any Christian conflict (although we are certainly all about Jesus that day), but because we just think it’s dumb. Thanks for joining us at #FridayFrivolity this week!

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