The Baby Garden


As with any joint decision, the debate over whether or not to get a puppy revolved around perceived pluses and minuses.  My wife’s list of positive rewards ultimately defeated my list of negatives, but there has been one familial impact that neither of us had anticipated.

The five year old is now completely adamant that at no point in the future will she be having any children.  She is so sure that she has no interest in cleaning up another living thing’s bodily functions, being responsible for it’s feeding, or vainly trying to get it to listen to her, that there were actual tears as she made this announcement. Clutching tightly to her new Baby Alive, ( turned off since a few days after Christmas ) she begged for reassurance that I wouldn’t be mad at her if I didn’t get to be a grampy.


Insisted on one that pees…


It was all very amusing and sweet until she asked me what she had to do in order to keep a baby out of her belly.  I immediately answered that staying away from boys as she got older was the best way, then just as quickly regretting that response as I realized the follow up questions that I had just set myself up for.

It’s not the first time that we’ve had deep discussions about the birds and the bees, but I wasn’t sure that my previous story about “baby making magic” and the evil doctor who later stole them from me was still going to be satisfactory a year later.

That’s not to say that my new explanation was any less brilliant. Using a gardening metaphor that I knew she would understand, I calmly explained to her that when a man loves a woman he gives her a “baby seed” to swallow and she then drinks a lot of water over the next nine months to help it grow.  That only men know how to find the proper seeds and that only women have the capability of turning their bellies into “baby gardens”, thus necessitating there to be one of each gender involved in the initial planting.


not sure she buys it…


She seemed a bit skeptical, but was unable to find any flaws in my formula.  More importantly, she seemed to grasp the importance of keeping this process a secret from other children.  That I was trusting her to under no circumstances go to school and discuss mommy’s swallowing of daddy’s baby seed.

It’s possible that I should have at least tried to use the “magic” explanation one more time…




34 thoughts on “The Baby Garden”

  1. I remember receiving a baby doll similar to Baby Alive at the age of 5/6 and having been put to bed with my new doll by my side I declared the next morning that I didn’t want to sleep with any body in my bed ever (including dolls). My dad turned round & commented that I might regret saying when I’m older… (I’m happily married now with 5 children! 😳)

    I liked your version of the birds & bees …. my 11 year old son is having sex education lessons at school so the nicey nice birds & bees stories we’ve told have now been replaced with solid facts. My son has found his first pimple on his face & is looking for more signs of puberty …. happy days! 😜

  2. Ok I love everything about this! I also vowed to never have kids, then I drank the seed…a couple of times. Lol

    I don’t think your daughter is buying it, but I think your explanation works for now. High five! ✋️


  3. Oh, man… my parents used the “the daddy plants a seed in the mommy and it grows into a baby” thing so that’s what I first told my kids when they were little (3 or 4.) That was the worst idea! They were so confused when they got a little older (7 or 8) and I explained how it really happens. Why didn’t I just give the simple sperm and egg answer the first time?? They were so confused.

  4. I’ve already got a bucket of sand on standby to stick my head in when the topic comes up! There’s only room for one head in the bucket, so over to mummy for the explanation! Nice post. #ThatFridayLinky

  5. This is truly brilliant although at times though the post you were digging yourself a hole you somehow managed to get back out I haven’t had this conversation with twins yet something to look forward too Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

    1. Thanks Nige. I’m not sure how good a job I did digging out, but you might want to start thinking about your answers now!

  6. haha, a friend of mine used a similar metaphor! We’ve luckily escaped this thus far, my 6 y/o did once ask how her brother got in my tummy, and I said that daddy and I had special cuddles. She then responded with “can I join in?” Uh…no…adults only haha! If it comes up again I’ll be looking for this metaphor! #BigPinkLink
    Becky x

    1. She’s not one to be put off a question by changing the subject. last time I got away with telling her I had magic. Didn’t work this time

  7. Oh I am not looking forward to this conversation in future years, must say I’m pretty impressed with your quick thinking on this explanation though!! Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink.

  8. Such a cute story! I love the look of your daughter’s face in the last picture! My daughter is now 10 years old and I need to have a good in depth conversation about the birds and the bees too. It’s not something I’m looking forward to….

  9. Reminds me of the time when LMFAO’s Sexy and I Know It was on and my daughter asked “Mommy, what’s “a passion in my pants?” Good post. Found you on #SundayBlogShare. Sharing on my FB and Twitter.

    1. appreciate it. So far mine hasn’t asked a lot about song lyrics, except around Christmas when she wanted to know why the singers were swearing so much ( Jesus )

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