We do a lot of celebrating to commemorate our children’s success at consistently wiping their own asses, and rightfully so. It’s an impressive achievement, deserving of fanfare. What it is not, however, is the end to our potty predicaments. Future lessons, such as actually flushing the toilet after use and washing their hands without the entire bathroom looking like the first three rows of an aquarium dolphin show prove much harder to learn than expected. A tendency to use an entire roll of toilet paper for each of their solo wipes leading to some fun clean ups.
There’s also a matter of timing, namely that they will always have to go at the worst possible time. We begin the process of getting out the door at 7:40 each morning so that socks, shoes, and jacket can be donned in time to actually walk outside at 7:55. At least once, usually twice a week, my daughter will take her morning dump at 7:52.
If at any time during the upcoming shopping season you experience some sort of gastrointestinal emergency and need to find a bathroom quickly, search not for an employee, but for someone with small children in tow. Chances are good that if they have ever shopped there before they once had to abandon their place in line to rush their kid to those facilities.
Here in the Northeast we are currently experiencing the snowsuit conundrum. After spending twenty minutes bundling up in seventeen different items of clothing to prepare for playing outside in the snow, even a child that has spent the prior twenty minutes “trying to go” will somehow still have to pee almost immediately upon exiting the house.
A least this one has a scientific explanation, something called “cold diuresis.” The idea is that when a person is cold, their body constricts blood vessels to reduce the flow of blood to skin and extremities. This works to conserve heat closer to the core, but results in an increase in blood pressure. To reduce this, the body responds by pulling out excess fluid, causing the urge to urinate.
Whether anyone else will find this interesting is probably debatable and it certainly won’t help the first time you realize there is a hole underneath your clogged up toilet that is directly above the basket of clean laundry in the basement, but maybe now you know something that you didn’t yesterday, and isn’t that fun?